Happiness

Sometimes you wake up when it’s raining and you’re lucky enough to have a sunny afternoon.

(Depression In A Nutshell)

It’s a cycle. Sometimes I feel like I’ll never get out. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to describe to anyone exactly what goes on in my head. I know I think differently to everyone else, because I just don’t want the same things as other people. The things people say to me just don’t make sense. It’s like the times you put the TV on mute during the ads. I can see them but I just can’t hear them. I’m not quite sure what I’m looking for but I know that I eventually want to find peace. I’m just not sure where to find that peace just yet.

I wake up every day with a heavy heart. It’s almost like a rain cloud. Some days you wake up when it’s raining and you’re lucky enough to have a sunny afternoon. Sometimes the day clears, usually because I’m distracted and it’s sunny again. Just for a little bit. I’ve tried so hard to rid myself of the pain I have endured since I was a little girl. I’ve tried everything. But it just never quite leaves. Travel has always brought me a certain element of peace. It gives me a sense of purpose and a chance to really think about how far I have come and how much further I can go. But then reality hits and nothing seems worth it.

I thought as I got older things would be easier, but in fact it’s just become easier to distract myself and stop facing the reality. When I do face reality it’s like that rain cloud comes back, but this time it’s a thunderstorm. I search and search, trying to find things to be grateful for, and don’t get me wrong, I have a lot more than some, but somehow I just can’t stop feeling the panic in that thunderstorm. I panic that I have got to the age of 23 and never really felt true happiness. I panic that I am 23 and still feel so lonely in this world no matter how many people surround me. I am a loner, I always will be. I’m used to my own company, but I am addicted in getting lost in my thoughts. I’m addicted to exploring into the thunderstorm, trying to make sense of what goes on. My life has been very much unanswered so far which leaves me lost and confused. I’m willing to fight. I’ve fought with my own thoughts for years and years challenging those thoughts that tell me to give up. The thoughts that tell me that none of this pain is worth it. But I never have given up. This tells me I am strong and can fight it all.

There was a time that I couldn’t get out of bed. There was a time when I woke up a cried as soon as I opened my eyes because I woke up and felt reality. The only peace I found was sleeping when I was shut away from everything. I became lethargic and unable to get myself together. Depression really is a disease. It takes over everything. Even now, living with depression stops me from doing so many things. Bad news hits me like train and anything personal makes me feel worthless. I’m not sure there are many people that would sit on a train on their way home in an evening with a heart so heavy all you want to do is scream and cry. Sometimes I look around on the train and wonder if any of those people can see my heavy heart, do they step back and think I look sad? Can they see the pain behind my eyes? I can always see others pain, but I guess that’s all part of it… being able to empathise. For some reason all I want to do is help, but I can’t quite get the help myself.

The reality is, I rely on emotional support, and I push people away that don’t understand me and love so hard and unconditionally that all I end up doing is hurting myself. It’s a common process. Studies show that children who suffer traumatic experiences early on in life are more likely to blame themselves. To become lovers of everything but themselves. How can a child understand such things? How can a child endure such pain and suffering without thinking they could somehow put it right? How can a child not feel guilty about what happened to someone so close to their hearts?

Many people that suffer from depression will tell you that the storm in your head will never cease to die down. I guess I’m angry that I have to endure this every day of my life and feel so utterly and entirely lonely, simply because I know I am different. I hear people discussing their latest dramas, their problems such a drop in the ocean in comparison. Fact is, whatever they’re going through right now, and it’s going to get better. There will be light in the end of their tunnels, it’s just a phase. But imagine carrying around that sadness and pain with you for your entire life. Just imagine that. Remember the time you had everything but you felt down because life wasn’t working out the way you expected. Imagine growing up in a world where nothing was the way it ever should be and all the problems were masked. Imagine being a child, then a teenager and wondering why no one has ever helped you.

People tell me that better things are coming. Of course, there’s always a new opportunity round the corner. There’s always a space in the world for hard working, driven and passionate individuals but is that really what I want? All those things mean nothing without happiness. That’s all I ever wanted, and I’ve truly never been happy but I’m more determined than ever that happiness is possible. It’s time to be careful with my heart and love myself. I’m a fighter. Not a quitter. If you’ve been through any sort of depression, then believe me, you’re a fighter. We’re the strongest they come. There’s alot of other people out there that can relate to this but I don’t know how, but one day we’re going to wake up and it’s going to be sunny.
All day.

The only people who think there’s a time limit for grief, have never lost a piece of their heart.

I always describe grief like a fine wine. Fine wines get better with age. People dealing with grief get better with age. Maybe that isn’t the best way of describing it, but as someone who has sadly known nothing but grief for virtually their entire life, I of all people know grief becomes something you learn to deal and cope with and not something that passes. Grief becomes easier to deal with over time, and certainly becomes easier the older you get.

Grief is an indescribable feeling. That missing piece of your puzzle is the only thing that is making you feel like this but the only thing that cannot be replaced. To those who have never suffered from grief will never understand. Only those who have loved, lost and desperately tried to deal with the consequences will know exactly how we feel.

I’ve heard many a person say “get over it”. This will be forever be an unfair and cruel comment to make. People who genuinely say this usually have lost and are suffering themselves which makes them bitter because they don’t know how to deal with it. Those people who don’t deal with it will end up broken.

A loss most certainly makes you stronger. But what if I didn’t want to be as strong as this? What if I had no other choice? Grief at times has left me broken too. But now I’m doing better than I ever have. It’s been 18 years. After all, if you’ve lived through this you deal with anything. One has to learn to channel the negative energy into doing something amazing. All that anger, that frustration and the long for love has to be turned into becoming the best person you can ever be. It’s a rough old road out there but we can all make it. I’ve heard people say “Not everyone’s as strong as you” so many times. But to be quite honest I didn’t really have a choice. You either give up or fight so hard. It’s okay not to be okay, cliche as it sounds. Surround yourself with things that will make you feel fortunate. I don’t feel very fortunate. I really don’t. But I know that I am fortunate enough to have opportunities which can help me give back to those who really are MUCH less fortunate than me. Things like this are key in becoming a better person. A happier person. Seeing someone else smile, because YOU made them smile will make you feel warm inside no matter how distraught you are.

Life is hard. And so we are reminded all the time. Memes, self-help books, TV programmes, and counsellors all tell us constantly how tough it is out there. But is there really an explanation for so much suffering and the indescribable feelings that are left with family and friends after someone has gone? Those that have never suffered like this will never actually truly believe that heartache is real. Believe me, my heart ACHES. It aches for what was supposed to be, for that missing piece of the puzzle. I always imagine heart ache in such a weird way. I imagine all these little men with ropes tied around your heart tugging and pulling away so much that the heart just hurts. It’s exhausted and it craves the attention and love that it needs to be healthy and complete again.

No one wants to live their life like this. Everyone wants a healthy heart. No one wants to feel continuous heart ache. But when the only way of moving forward is trying to block it out altogether it becomes something that turns around and slaps you right in the face. Depression. Not all people suffering from grief suffer from depression too, but when you have no choice other than to pick yourself up and ignore the constant heart ache it hits you like a train. Those crazy mixed up feelings combined of not confronting your problems, not being able to think about your memories with that person and not being able to understand why you feel like this.
You talk to friends. They tell you to remember the good times, remember all those beautiful memories you made together. But sadly the reality is that it’s not always like that. Sometimes the memories are too hard to think about. The photos, the videos, the stories just bring it all back. It simply just reinforces the fact that the person isn’t with you anymore. Sometimes just seeing their face brings you too much pain, not the desired comfort you were looking for. All types of grief are different, people deal with it in so, so, so many different ways. One video of a loved one could be one person’s comfort compared to another’s nightmare. To me it brings me so much pain.

Sometimes you can’t even remember the good times. Sometimes you were too young to even remember them. Sometimes you are forced to form your own memories of a person consisting of other people’s stories and photos. Sometimes you have to grieve for someone you never even knew you had.

This person was me. And the person I lost was my Mother.